My Dad Tried to Arrange My Marriage… and It Got Awkward Fast | Paul Varghese

You really think Mike McCarthy read books on how to be likable. He didn't finish the book. He definitely didn't finish the book.
He's probably at the, he's probably still at the preface. Yeah, he's just got a bunch of those books in his barn that he hasn't read just like all that film.
He hasn't watched.
I just wondered maybe who knows.
I can't believe Pittsburgh had him or the things he's likable enough to get another job.
I might still talk about that guy can, I bet that guy can get other jobs like crazy. Yeah, I bet there's one thing he can do.
It's get a job. He seems to be good at convincing people to give him a job. Yes, that's, I've never, I've always had that problem.
Yeah.
In the, in the Pittsburgh guy anyway. Yeah, so the whole thing like in his press conference, he cried about, you know, being born near in the hospital, near the stadium and being swaddled in black and gold.
Lying in a manger. I think we've heard this. I don't think that's your story. I loaded down a river.
I might be confusing a few different stories. He probably said the same thing and they didn't nobody know. I don't think anybody watched that press conference. You, you had to for work reasons.
I, I'm aware of it. I don't know that I watched. I don't think he was breaking news. I saw clips. Yeah, that was such a weird hire, though, out of nowhere, because he always had like the 20 year old, right? And he gets old with the team. Pittsburgh does. Yeah.
Instead, they're just a guy in his last hurrah, right? Yeah, I think it's over the team. Then it's going to be a different kind of getting old.
Nobody would have thought that I would be the winner sports talk.
Baseball, baseball, baseball, baseball, baseball, baseball, baseball. Oh, it's a big mic. Oh, okay. All right. Yeah. Okay. Now I get it.
We're going to lightning strike boys. What happened over there, Grego? We had a little lightning strike right outside the window.
All right, all right. Here's a tip for all these Americana league teams. Don't do it. You said tip. Yeah.
Okay. Keep jamming.
To take a colon, nothing but a big gen X jerk off.
This is a little lighter. What?
Somebody would hear that.
I'm back.
Well, hey, everybody. We're actually on here. Yeah. I don't know why we did it that way, but I thought it was pretty cool.
I think it's kind of cool. We can do whatever we want. That's right. We can. We say what we want. Yeah. There's no CEOs here, right? No. Well, we got Becca. Okay. Yeah. She tells us what to do. She's the boss. Okay. That makes sense.
Yeah. Well, this is your dark companion. Heidi, Heidi to you. Let's see. This is March the night. Is that right? Yes. Oh my God. The night the March.
We're not very far away from the eyes of March. Do you know that? Are the eyes bad? They were for Caesar. Okay. Oh, we're going out there.
Something like that. Now that stuff was a long time ago for me. I don't remember none of it. You weren't there, hopefully. No, no, I wasn't there. I wasn't there. I didn't make it that far.
Okay. The eyes of March, occurring on March 15th, March the 74th day in the Roman calendar, famously known as the date of Julius Caesar's assassination in 44 BC.
Okay. All right. We're celebrating that. I don't know. We could. Is it like a D day kind of thing though? Is it like a Roman D day? Did they celebrate it over there? Did they cry? Do they have a salad? Yeah, they have salad in his honor. That's something. Okay. Well, hey, this is your dark companion. How's everybody doing today? All right. This is episode number which?
202 today. Wow. Okay. We are here inside the nurturing biosphere of the mothership. We are having fun today. We're going to have some fun today because the guy that we have on with us today. It's been a while since we've had him. But this is go around number what?
Three. Three. All right. Number three. Yes. A great Paul Varghese. Yes. Yeah. I'll take great. I've never been called great. You are great. I've been called adequate professional prompt. Never great. You were all of those things and you were great. Yeah. I think all those things added together. Equate equate greatness. I think like Caesar. He was prompting. Yeah. You know, on telling me. He was on time to think. He caused his his life. But yeah, he was prompt until he wasn't. Right. You know,
exactly. I came to a rather rugged end as we just detailed for you. Yeah. Like he literally what? Pointed the term stabbed in the back. Yeah. Right. Yeah. I think so. Wasn't that Brutus or something that stabbed him in the window at two Brutee that falls Caesar. Yeah. Yeah. Now we believe that, right? That's not like a something like a biblical myth. Oh, yeah. I believe it. Yeah. Well, it's not. It seems like it would be though. If they go back then, you don't know if it's totally true.
Exactly, right? Because we weren't there. And it could be biblical, too. Right. I mean, I don't believe the whale swallow Jonah. That's not like a biblical stuff. Like I saw that those documentaries where they go look for Noah's Ark. The pieces of Noah's Ark. I'm like, unless that thing was made of McDonald's French fries, it's decomposed. You know,
but I don't know if it's made of McDonald's French fries. It's still out there. It's still out there somewhere. It's still out there and it is still ready to roll. Those things do not age. Yeah.
Just like you shoot me. Oh, I age believe me. Are you made of McDonald's French fries?
Back in the box tacos. Yeah. Yeah. More. Yeah. The box tacos.
So they keep them going. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. How are you doing, man? I'm good. I'm good. It's a gooey blurs. What I was saying when I walked in. Yeah.
That was our phrase of the day. That was a phrase. Yeah. I don't know. I didn't know that was so controversial saying it, but I probably said it. What gooey blur? Yeah.
I mean, it was an unexpected thing for us to hear. Yeah. Well, I thought that was. I thought that was like a common phrase. Maybe it's not. No, I don't need more friends. Yeah. In my house. It's in my house. Okay. Thank you. In my house, it's pretty common. Okay. It's just me. It's very popular phrase in my house.
gooey blur. You got a lot of friends. I actually have way more friends now than I ever did in high school or college. I think I'm making up for it now. I think that's what it is. I think because everybody says they'd have less friends as they get older. I've just accumulated more, which I think is fun. Yeah. I think I'm way more social now that I was in high school in college. So that probably helps. Yeah, but you're a popular man. You're famous. Yeah. Well, I talk to people all the time. I think that's the key. I don't know if I'm famous. I'm more popular than famous. Those are two different things. Right. There are two different things. But I would consider
you pretty famous. At least I think at least Dallas fans. Yeah. I mean, they'll definitely be in a bituary in the Dallas morning news when I pass. They'll definitely be a little blurb. That's how you can tell. That's a great gauge. Yeah. I definitely know. He'll be. He'll be. I don't know if it'll be tragic. My demise. I mean, I hopefully don't know how it's going to happen. Yeah, that's true. I definitely think maybe this is too morbid. I think it's going to be somebody that I have pissed off in life. That's what I think. I think somebody had a shit. I think somebody who is
come to a show that I've melted down at from years ago is going to is going to bottle neck me. Is that a word? I don't know if that's a word, but you know, bottle to the neck. That's what I look at it as, but that's. Yeah. It's a very popular phrase in my house. And you're thinking this is going to be violent. Yes, hopefully it's quick. I don't want to like I don't want to linger and I don't want to go fund me. I'd be very mad at the go fund me didn't reach its max capacity. I'd be very disappointed. That is kind of the lightest thing. Those celebrities getting in a bit of a downtime and
starting to go fund me. Oh, it's like what the. Hello, Pond Stars. Do I without without mentioning names and not that it was it's a popular person, but any one of the comedians in the city has this. He's had his fourth go fund me this year. We're in March. March 9th, 2026. So he's already had four. Yeah, four go fund me this year, which is like, I think that's like two a month. Yeah, that's like, I mean, you know, it's like per school shooting, right? Pretty much, right? I was low dark. I shouldn't have said that. Yeah, you're probably.
Yeah, that's right. Anyway, he said four go fund me this this year. Like, what do the go fund me say? Like, hey, I went through the money again. Yeah, pretty much this time of work. I promise. I don't even know how I mean, isn't, isn't crowdsourcing the same thing as go fund, go fund me stuff. Yeah, it's a crowdsourcing for a special. If it's through go fund me, but I don't even know how that works. Is it tax crowdsourcing doesn't sound quite so desperate? Yeah, it's like, hey, you know, Venmo me if you. I also a few bucks spare. Do you guys have the friends who asked for that?
And they're birthday to Venmo. Yeah, I never understood that. Yeah, it's going to grow. You know, some, you know, most I think do like the, you know, hey, this is for charity, like, yeah, officially through Facebook, but I know that there are some were like, Hey, if you got a few bucks, you know, here's my cash app. Oh, that's so terrible. I thought about doing it. Just, but then people would think something really you know, to do it. See what happens. Yeah, I mean, if we want to see how famous people are, we should all three do a separate one and see who raises more money. Oh, but the same story. Same story on each one.
But whoever wins gets to keep that money. Yes, we're not giving it to charity or anything. Yeah, whoever loses is this. Yeah. Yeah, it's, it's, it's, oh, the loser has to give that same amount to charity. So then we are helping someone. Yes, but it has to be the same story across the board. Right, because I think I could write a more pathetic story than you guys could. I think I could, I mean, I have, I use words like gooey blur and bottleneck. You have no idea if I actually thought about these words. You're a word. I can do the immigrants. I can pull the immigrant card. You guys can't pull that. Yeah, you do have that. That's true. That is a huge card. I have a lot going forward.
I always say, like, if I, if anybody really hits me, I'm going to yell, I'm gay on the way down. So that's just another lawsuit. You know, it's all the hate crimes at once. Yeah. If you're going down, you might as well clear up a few new things, you know, I got it all figured out. You've definitely thought through this. Oh, yeah. So my, because my sister, so my sister is like really high end in the physical research, really, really high end. And she has, she's not only she's female. She's gay.
Well, she's brown. And she has like a foot that like doesn't fold out all the way. Oh, so I was like, she's never getting fired. Never. I mean, she has four lawsuits right there. Wow. If one doesn't work, she can go for the other one. I mean, the foot, the last one, I would, maybe I'd start with the, no, I wouldn't start with the foot. No, that's the one you hold back. And, you know, I mean, I'm the only one that knows that one. I'm breaking news. Yeah, her foot doesn't. Yeah. That's the one that if you need, you know, something to really top things.
Off. Yeah. Roll out the foot. Those first three things don't quite take. Yeah. Let me pull out my foot. My mom used to always call it. And it's not a club foot. So if she's listening to this, I know it's not a club foot, but my mom would always call it that, but it's not. It's just. No, when you put their feet, the feet, the footprints on the birth certificate, you know, remember, little kids, they would just stomped a little. I think it's their feet, right? I hope it's their feet. I don't know. These are doctors. They said a pair of feet.
Just like a stamp and they just put it on the, I assume that was my foot, but her foot just goes the other way. It's like, it's like a weather Vane. I don't know if I've actually seen a club foot. I don't know. I don't think it's not that. It's something, but it's not, it's, she could walk. She's fine, but she has special orthopedic shoe for that one. I don't think what's pigeon toad. The feet term in all the way in. Like if you've ever seen the footage of Babe Ruth running, that's pigeon toad or Dave Portnoy. Yeah. Same idea.
That's my closest to Babe Ruth as I got Babe Ruth running. Well, then what's bolegged? That's like this. That's like from riding a horse too much. Okay. So there's, so out there, there's a bolegged pigeon toad person. That's just. Oh, yeah. Just looks like an hourglass. Yeah. With a club. They're possible to fire too. Yeah. That's the key is impossible to fire. Yeah. What if you were bolegged? Okay. If you were bolegged, but your feet were pigeon toad. Are you reading bolegged? Your feet are pigeon toad?
He's been reading my Tinder profile. That's what I look for. A bolegged pigeon toad. I get at least out of curiosity. You get a few swipes. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I think this is why I'm probably never going to have a kid. I've made fun of this kind of stuff so long that the kid's going to come out with all the lawsuits. It's kind of set yourself up. Yeah. I'm, I'm good. I don't need it. Karma. I think. Yeah. That's, yeah. Exactly. Like how you're educating me on Indian terms. So there's this thing called karma to figure it out. I'm not that smart.
Are you on Tinder? No, I'm not on Tinder. That's a funny thing to ask though. I do remember when I first started dating the girl that I'm now committed to when we were first dating. I didn't know. Should I delete it now? Like, do you delete it? Because she saw it on my phone. But it wasn't like we were dating though. We weren't like serious. Yeah. I think once you become official. Yeah. You know, but that was always that was a sense of, you know, it bothered her. I remember only reason I knew it bothered her is because when we were actually serious, she would bring it up every now and again. And I remember you had Tinder a month and a half. I'm like, but what was I suppose?
to do? I can't like, I had no faith in what was going to fun back. You know, you're supposed to actually delete your Tinder profile or it stays. So like, you'll keep popping up. So like, if you have a Tinder, you can still get emails. You can still get, like, people will can still swipe on you until you actually physically go delete it. That is, oh, that's okay. Good to know. Well, it's gone. It's been there. I just I threw the phone away. Does that help? She got ready for Tinder. I did change my password. Is that help?
No. So when did you finally delete it? Like what? When I, so without being too sappy, she's the only person I've ever said I love you to only let you ever first one ever. And I'm pretty old. I'm 49. So. So my parents, I never said, I never said, I never said it to my parents. Yeah. I went for that point. It would have been 40. I would have been 42 when I said it 42 or 41. I've never been told that I thought I felt it at times with other people, but it has to be a reciprocal thing. You can't, you know, I love.
For Shanti, but I don't think he brought me back. Red hot chili peppers guitar. Yeah. Yeah. Sorry. That guy. Yes. Yeah. We both definitely love him. Yeah. He's the best. Yeah. Anyway. So I remember how I said it, too, because we were just I was a little I wasn't smashed. I was tipsy enough to remember this story. And I remember I go, yeah, you know, I love you, right? That was the thing. It was like one in the morning. We were about to shout down a water burger. And she was like, she just stared at me. And that was that's one first person. It slipped out. It never slipped out.
It fell out of my face. And then Tinder won. Goodbye. Right as right as you were about to shout out a little water burger. Yeah. Yeah. Look, actually in a water burger. Yeah. Did you take a little placard? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. We don't have any kids. So like this is the closest. I'll have to telling this story to somebody that might care. We care. Yeah. Exactly. We care. Nobody else. Listen. Watching this thing. No, it's not to ask me how we met. Yeah.
So how did you know me at a show? She came to a show. She actually came to the show. She was she went to rice. So when she saw me, she was in college with her boyfriend. She went to rice. Yeah. She's like, she's smart. Yeah. She's super smart. She's super smart. It kind of sucks. Um, but she went there with her boyfriend at the time and saw me there. And then they ended up breaking up. And she moved to Addison and saw me in Addison. And then just kind of kept showing up and one thing led to another and water burger, water burger number four combo. Oh, she did.
She definitely did. But I honestly, if I never did stand up, I probably would have still been single, meaning like I would have never dated anybody. Like stand up, got me any attention that I ever got. I was never. Yeah. Do stand up. Stand up guys get groupies. If you're good, if you're good, the. I think I'm pretty good. Yeah. I think he's excellent. I've stuck around long enough. I mean, stand up guy can get a group. It's him. Yeah. It's a. And plus I talked to everybody now. So it's a lot. In plus. Yeah. So. Yeah. If I didn't.
I would do this. I would probably be. I've always thought about the alternate life. I would. I would probably be living in it. Well, I live in that suburb now in Allen, but I would be living in like a. Like a carolson, kind of cold, a sack, a range marriage, 99% sure a range marriage.
Because I'd need the help not because my parents forced me. I would need. I would need to hate. Listen, it's not looking out on my own. I don't know if you guys know anybody.
Put the call into the bullpen. Yeah. Exactly. Well, they actually tried to arrange one back in. Oh, eight. Oh, nine. Really? Yeah. It wasn't. My dad wasn't good at it. So my Ted. So basically, they went to, you know, they went to India to visit family. And then, you know, you need to go that. He wanted me to stop by the house to like pick up the mail and make sure all that stuff. And so I jump on his. His. His desktop and I'm clicking trying to check my email. And then you see like the past web history. And it is from Indian weddings.com or whatever. Or whatever it is. Indian matrimonials.com.
Whatever. And I click on it. And it's a profile of like, I guess he's looking at girls for me. And you know how like your blind dates is. You try to figure out which one it is. Have you found it? Yeah. You know how like when people sit you up on a blind date, you kind of tell what you they think of how you look. My dad definitely has no faith in mine. Like not at all. Like none of them. And so then we started talking. So at one point, that Thanksgiving, two months later, I'm at Thanksgiving. And my dad hands me this phone number. My hands, the pictures are a picture. And it's two girls.
They're standing by a coconut tree in India. Okay. It sounds like I'm making this up. But it's the picture still there. I should have brought the picture. And he goes, he goes, he doesn't say he goes, where do you think? I go, I go. I'm not, I'm not interested. He goes, not the dark one. I'm like, okay, I'm like still not interested. And then my mom, this is, it sounds like I'm making it up. But my mom goes, you know, you are not that lights can either. I'm like, and now everybody's telling me that I'm ugly. And so I like, I kind of like stormed off, you know.
And then my dad just goes, hey, I don't want to just do want, give me a favor. Do me a favor and just call this girl. And he had the number. I'm like, what am I supposed to tell her? Like, hey, I heard you were desperate. What do you say? What do you say? Not it. Yeah. So I, and so, so and I didn't talk to my mom for a few months after that. Because I was so kind of like, it would just, you're springing it on me. Because like my parents had an arranged marriage. So they don't understand dating. Like they'd, they'd never been dumped. Never. My mom doesn't have an ex boyfriend.
My dad doesn't have someone that got away. Like they're, that's it. They don't overanalyze each other. It's a very simple, beautiful way, I think. But my dad has been dumped all the time. I was always dumped. I've never dumped anybody. Now you got me. Now I'm going to go, yeah, let's go. Let's, let's, let's call a rep right now. I've always been dumped. I've always been dumped. But I'm also going back to the arranged marriage thing. I've always taught like when you're dating somebody, like you make it work. That's what that's how my parents were. So why would I?
You know, I did, again, I didn't have any options. And then I started doing stand up and now all of a sudden people care. Let's be like, okay, well, maybe this is the one. Maybe this is supposed, isn't that why you kind of date? And then you start realizing, oh, they're not all the one. You know, so. So when you do gigs at the end of the night or their chicks, you know, just average or a single chick just kind of hanging out. You can kind of tell when somebody wants to talk to me for a certain reason. Because you just kind of women have terrible game, very awful game. Really bad game.
They're, they'll do what they think that you do in movies. So they'll like sit at the end of the bar and like coily look at you. Coily is a work, COY, LY, not. Yeah, I'm like, Cobra, not like whatever, you know, but the snaky women just sit in the corner kissing. No, um, they just, they, they're really bad at it. A lot of times they'll come in and like try to say a joke to me and that kind of stuff. It's the games really weak on the women's ends. So. How many people come up and tell jokes to you? I don't tell anybody that I do stand up.
Unless after a show, it's very rare. But if I tell people if somebody brings it up, then somebody will always say something like that's always my biggest fear in a new bar is when they, when they start asking you what you do for a living. And I don't know my last job before I ever did stand up. I worked at tower records. Remember tower records of the baby. And so I can't say that. I work at a record store. You're a time traveler. Yeah, just keep giving them. So it's funny. So my girlfriend, I work in textiles. Yeah. My girlfriend, my girlfriend figured out.
That like, I hate when people know that I'm a comic, you know, because I'll ask stuff. So we're actually taking it over one time. And the guy just asked us, I don't know. So what do you guys do? And she's like, you know, I'm in software consulting. And he's like, so what I was like, I didn't want to say anything. I was like, I know he's going to ask me. So I'm just sitting there quiet. And she goes out the driver goes, so what does he do? And she's like looking at me and she goes, he's a, he's a writer. And so the guy's like, instead of letting it go, he goes, so you like journal, you like day journal for a living. I'm like, this is getting worse too. Just tell me.
I'm a comic. So I didn't say anything back, but I hate that. I hate telling people that I do that. So, right? Would you? Do you have, you know, something go to at the ready for something? I need something. I need something. I don't know. I keep coming up with old-time jobs. It's pretty sweet. Okay. The milk. I'm a milk man. Yeah. He delivered ice. I work in a, in a gin mill. Is it gin mill? Cotton mill, gin mill? No, it's like a speakeasy back in the, that's good.
I get farther back. Okay. A work in prohibition. Should I say that? Can I say that? I don't know how to make any sense. I'm a prohibitor. That's pretty good though. Yeah. That'll shut him up for a while. Yeah. Well, that's what the cool thing about being brown is if I'm just quiet, they assume I don't speak English. That's another superpower I have. So I didn't say anything in that car ride. Like she was, she was speaking for me. And that's something that she can't do because she's very, she's lily white, lily lily white. So she can't complain. She can't act like she doesn't speak English. So.
You want lily? Yeah. It was in Atlanta on Saturday. So I am the guy. So if you want to know what my rep is in like the comedy world, when somebody cancels, I am the last minute replacement. If you have a brown comic or a black comic that cancels somewhere in America, and they need somebody to fill in who doesn't cost much money, but still is a brown or black guy, I'm that guy. I'm on the bench waiting for the phone call. I think so. Yeah. Like I've subbed in for D.O. Hugley when he cancels, when Russell Peter can't,
Peter's cancels when I'm always that guy. So I was that guy in Atlanta this week. So somebody cancels on Tuesday. So I flew out on Friday or Saturday. So like, do you have an agent? No, it's all rep. It's all me. It's all it's all you. It's all because of your one man band. Yeah, because of how they know me. So that's why I get so you obviously see my show is how nervous I am before, like, you know, like I'm in my head because every show could be like every show is potentially an audition for me. That's how I that's how I've been able to establish whatever I've established in this world.
Kind of weird. Too much pressure. It's a lot. It's a lot. Yeah. For those shows, do they pay for your airfare? Yeah, they fly you fly you out. I mean, it's all it's all just money, extra money. But it would be nice to like get booked for October in March, as opposed to Saturday on a Wednesday. It would be a lot less stressful. But how far how far out are you booked typically? Like, how far out is your calendar right now? A month. Okay. It's always that way. I had a feeling. Yeah. I'm always the fallback guy, which I'm glad that, you know, 25 years
in. I'm still the fallback guy because it's so easy to end up being the jaded bitter. Nobody wants to work you guy. You know, it's so and I've seen people fall into those paths, you know, you eventually get out of touch with like the comedy scene. If you don't it's like music, you know, eventually you're if you don't stay hit with it, you're going to it shows, you know, so I've always tried to like push myself to be relevant, you know, yeah, threads is my thing now. I'm on the threads bandwagon. He just got on the threads is threads is the new baby. It feels a lot like when I got a following here in
Dallas. I've built it through Facebook. And that's what that's what threads feels like right now. It's like because it's just joke based. So all I have to do is just write a joke. They love it. There's 9,000 likes. And here comes all the follows. I'm like, this is exactly what what I wanted because I don't like. I'm going to be fan of the entire start following you on threads. Really good. Really good. The last one I got I posted on Saturday, 9,900 likes. Not bragging. I have 6000 followers. That's good ROI. ROI is a term that my girlfriend uses. I don't know. I just found out what it meant. But here it can I can I tell you this.
The thread is pretty good. It works on stage. Yeah. I'm on a flight sitting next to a guy who's 86 hours into his 72 hour deodorant. That's a good. That dude is great. Real king loved it. Okay. Maybe I should know. Maybe I'll change the hour 91 hours a week into a 72 hour deodorant. I think 91 hours is funny. I don't know why 86 is to eat. It's even numbers are not funny. I think it's pretty good. There's a science to it. I don't know. I liked it as as is. Okay.
Well, the other part I added was it was it was old spice. Not the brand expired cinnamon. That's what that's what he smelled like. That's kind of funny. I don't work on stage. Yes, as an old spice guy. I do have 72 hour deodorant. I don't know if like the whole stick is 72 because I put on one swipe and it didn't last for less than 10 minutes. They should tell you the serving sizes. Yeah, 72 the whole stick or is it they need to put serving sizes
on deodorant. I mean, nobody's ever thought about that. Okay. Yeah. If you're ahead of the game again, it's just threads too. Yeah. I'm telling you. But anyway, threads. I don't know if the threads. A community is coming up to see me yet. I don't know if it's actually clicked over yet. But I think I'm doing pretty good. If you ever look at my threads. Yeah. I'm starting asking people. Are you here because of threads? Yeah. Yeah. No, but then I would be so sad if they didn't. Right. Yeah. I'll be the one little in the background. I think the threads.
Here's how I can tell if it's somebody from threads is when they come out by themselves to a show because threads is a lot of people who live alone and the and the animals that are forced to love them. That's what that is. That's what the threats community is. And I love you guys. But I can always tell in the show because there's somebody like in the front row just by themselves. I'm like, okay. I know exactly what happened here. Is that the only social media senior active in these days? Yeah.
I mean, I'm still do Instagram and stuff. But Instagram just feels like the same I'm looking at the same thing over and over. So it just feels. And it's so rare to have a new social media thing that you can like kind of be on like the kind of the ground floor on everything else. They just kind of like an Instagram. I know for for standup all the all the videos are exactly the same. They're shot the same the same subtitle same color of subtitles and all that stuff. And it just feels too generic for me. So I kind of like going off the beaten path. So hopefully this threads thing. It's got to right. Yeah. It's got to. I'm not working.
Yeah. It has to. I'm optimistic for you. Yeah. Yeah. I think so. I'll fix that joke. 91 hours, right? It's sure. 86 was 86 is where I lost him. 86 hours into it. It doesn't flow as well. Yeah. You guys are. Okay. We're here to help workshop. Thank you. Because you need that. Obviously. No, I do. I got anything else you need to try out. Right. We're just a couple comedy experts. I did. I did. I'm sure we can talk about this. Right. I did a show for a kiss 106 back in the day when
you're ready. I'm sure you can talk about anything. Okay. So this is about three or four years into standup for me. I'm super shy. It's they used to do this thing where everybody in the morning show would would would have a special day plan for everybody else in the morning show. So they would do like one time. They. I think they did. I don't know. They maybe went to David Buster's or something like that. But the producer over the producer was at the time. They don't have a Shannon. I think it was Shannon. She decided to have a comedy show in her living room. So I'm like again, three or four years in. I don't know any better in the improv. Like, oh, he
And they'll plug your shows coming up. If you do it. So I'm in there. There's a margarita machine. And I'm standing on a table and the whole kiss morning show producers, everybody's sitting around me. And I just do my set. And it was okay for standing in a living room in front of people. And then the next day when they played it, they, they made sure they didn't show have any laughter after any of the jokes that I said. And they just made fun of how terrible I was. God. Yeah, they were like, yeah, they were like, oh, those those
jokes, man, hard audience, right? They kept doing that. I was like, well, you guys, it was, it wasn't cool at all. And then I come to find out that kid tried to use the host open mics nights here in the 90s. Really? Yeah, he was a, I don't know if he was actually a comic, but I think he, because of the radio thing, he used to hold host open mics at the old improv off of a 75 in Walnut Hill, the Dallas improv. Yeah, I think it's a, right? I think, yeah, it's like, it's things like a barbecue place now or something. I think something like that. Yeah. And so that happened and that really kind of soured me for a while on all that stuff.
And so, and then fast forward a few years later, big Al, who's also on the show, he lost a bet. So he had to do stand up at, he ended up doing a guest set on one of my shows. He had lost a bet. He had to wear an Easter Bunny outfit. And he, he goes there and he, and he kills because they're all love him kills. So he decides, like, a few months later, I'm doing a show. And he's there. He's like, hey, man.
Can I get a set, whatever? I'm like, yeah, sure, whatever. And I think he didn't tell, he announced it to anybody. I think he wanted to see if he could actually do it without his audience there. Yeah. And he couldn't spoil our alert. He couldn't. So he never said I'm put on stage again. And he's, he's cool with me saying that because he, it happened. Like, I'm not, I'm not bashing him. He knew. So, you know, kind of full circle a little bit. I don't know. But be nice. That's all I'm saying. You know, comedy's a little harder than I think people think it is, especially, especially in a living room by a margarita machine.
Yeah, it's like guys. But also, I was very shy. I was very easy to pick. It was very easy to pick on me back then. So I think now we would have been a little, you know, if we were here established now. Yeah, I was just a guy willing to stand on a coffee table for all these people. Oh, that's so. Anyway, we brought back an old memory. I don't think I ever told anybody that story. Oh, I never knew about that one. Yeah, that's a, that's a, it's a doozy. It doesn't really end well. I remember you heard it here first on YDC. Yeah, if you talk, he's talking to me long enough. I'll spill all the, spill all the story.
Let's see how long we can keep you all. Yeah, exactly. Let's you know where all the side pieces sit and in cowboy stadium. That is my next goal is to find out where they sit.
Do you really think they have a section like for them all together? Absolutely. I don't know if they all know that there are side pieces though. That's the one thing. Yeah, I doubt all the side pieces are friends and making plans together. Yeah, you know, or yes, exchanging notes. Right. Maybe they are.
God, what chaos that could create. Oh, yeah. Yeah, it's very strange. It's been going on for years. I would imagine like, you know, there's always been, you know, wives and kids section.
Yeah, I think there's ever been a side piece fight in the stands. It has to be. I mean, was, was Georgiana technically a side piece or just attention, attention, stars, Georgiana, whatever, remember the lady that used to flash everybody or not flash.
Morgana Morgana Morgana. Yeah, you should run on stage on stage on baseball fields. I think she was kind of just accepted as like her own entity. Yeah, okay, she was kind of her own thing.
She was singular. Yeah, she was singular. I never heard of her be the side piece. No, she's a compo meal for sure. She's not. She's not red beans and rice. She's a she's three piece bucket.
Yeah, we're not going to disgrace Morgana by calling her, call her red beans and rice. They did a little E 60 on her. Yeah, it's a little 15, 20 minutes.
Speel on her in the 70s. And how, you know, huh? Yeah, that was like their whole thing was like, yeah, shorts about. Yeah, if you, you know, whatever did make the cut for 30 for 30s. Yeah.
But 70s baseball, that's, you know, I always felt like I kind of had an old soul. I like 70s music. I like 70s era sports. And I've always wanted to see 70s baseball like real 70s baseball.
Like my dad, my dad, my mom and dad's first date when they came here when they were married was a ranger's baseball game.
And my dad, so to this day, he's like three, it was $1 seats in the very top or something. It's the price gets smaller and smaller the older they get. It's a nickel or whatever it was.
But no, no, it's like, yeah, a dollar and they said the very, very top of whatever ballpark was there in the 1970.
Well, that would have been Arlington Stadium. Yeah. Yeah. If you're at the top of Arlington Stadium back then, you weren't very high up there.
Until they added that upper deck. But if you set out of those bleachers, I mean, it just went on and on forever. One real high, but God, there was.
There were so many bleachers seats. It was ridiculous. There's a lot of bleachers, like an unnecessary amount.
All right. That's a great Paul Barkey hit with us here. And we'll have more with him in just a second. If you want to just kind of kick back and
and let the let the drugs kick in for a few seconds.
Because right now it is time for the dreaded and feared mid show read.
All right. What do we have here today? I don't have anything up here. Just a house of healing and that's it.
All right. Then that's good. Because I can talk to you about the CBD House of Healing. And the reason I can is because I've used it myself.
I have seen what it can do. I know what it did for me. And if it can do that for me, it can do it for you too.
If you're a guy who's walking around in a certain amount of pain and discomfort and everything and you've traveled this,
you tried that. None of it seems to work. Well, have you tried CBD yet?
No, I know what you're thinking. But at the CBD House of Healing, they approach this from and only from a medicinal standpoint.
They're all about making you feel better with CBD. And I know you've got your skeptical and everything I was too.
But I went in there. They gave me something and it really, really worked. And it really made me feel better.
It made me able to get through a day or two without being in all kinds of pain and stuff. And like I say, they can do that for me.
They can do it for you. Their owner is a registered nurse. She knows where this all comes from and she knows what to do about it.
And like I say, that's the way they approach it there from a medicinal standpoint.
So if you're in pain and you want to do something about it, don't be off put. Go down there and see it for yourself. Try CBD.
Try the CBD House of Healing. They are located at Northwest Highway.
And what is it?
Plano.
Yeah, Plano Road. That's it. Northwest Highway in Plano Road.
In the Northeast quadrant of that burgeoning intersection, you will find the CBD House of Healing.
Go in there, talk to them, tell them you heard about it from us.
Here at YDC and start your healing process at the CBD House of Healing.
What?
So I just saw Michael Irvin just tweeted about an hour ago, praying for my guy, Doc, in his beautiful family.
And it's a picture of Michael Irvin, Jerry Jones, Rowdy, two cowboy cheerleaders and Doc.
I just, I'm, I might have to send this to Ashley for see if we can publish it because it just, it feels kind of random.
And I know that, you know, news about that getting, you know, broken up with is kind of flowing out, but.
Oh, they're not married?
No, they were going to get married.
But, yeah, the thing that love died.
Sometimes, Paul, I don't know if you really understand this or not, you're kind of a young guy.
But sometimes love doesn't last forever.
Yeah, I've been through that.
Does it make it to the fair, Mike?
Sometimes it doesn't.
Sometimes it doesn't make it to the fair, Ashley.
That was some sort of pointed bar by you.
Sometimes you take it and something that it wants to take an exit too early.
Well, that's a bummer for Doc.
Yeah, but it just makes it look like Doc died because Michael Irvin also added the prayer emojis.
Okay.
Even though technically that's a high five, right?
I thought it was a high five.
But everybody uses it as a prayer emoji.
Okay.
But yeah, so Michael Irvin's praying for Doc.
If you want to know where his energy is directed right now.
I think not on the other suffering in the world and all that.
This is Doc.
If this is Doc's greatest season coming up, this is not going to help the case for getting married at all.
If he takes off with this, I think he might too.
Yeah.
And if the Cowboys go to the Super Bowl and wanted that, then put it out of sight.
Yeah.
That would put it out when I do that.
I don't think we have to worry about that.
Yeah.
But that's just me.
Yeah.
And of course now people are getting to throw out the jokes of he still hasn't gotten a ring and all that.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, that's right.
People.
People sit down.
They sit on that.
They see that in their drafts folder.
That's in their drafts folder.
Yeah.
Like as soon as the news of the breakup happened, you know, like you said, people just autosand.
I always do.
I always have one at the ready.
That's kind of you can replace it with whatever.
If somebody likes any kind of hip-hop artist dies.
I always say like, let's say blah, blah, blah, die.
Drake dies.
His, uh, or Snoop dies.
His, uh, I'm going to, I'm going to honor Snoop by wearing my pants at half mast.
That's what I always do.
I do that for every hip-hop artist.
It always happens.
I did it for Biggie.
I did it for two pock.
Obviously too soon.
It was a little too, sounds recycled.
But yeah, I do that for everybody.
And I sometimes I'll do it.
If it's a racist person, it'll be like Rush Limbaugh.
All his fans are putting their Confederate flags at half mast.
So it's, those are just kind of sitting there in the tank.
Just waiting for somebody to erase this or a hip-hop artist to die.
So you've got the whole half mast jokes.
Yeah.
I'm nailing these half mast jokes.
It's so, it's so full.
Those don't need threads for, you know, work shopping or anything.
Yeah.
How many of us around here do you play?
So there's nine clubs in the city now, which is unreal.
There's nine.
They just opened one in December.
Out of all of them I don't do, there's four of them.
Three of them that I don't do.
And that's just for my own personal reasons.
I don't want to work there.
I don't like the vibe.
But the other six are in constant rotation.
So the punchline's a new one.
You got to see the punchline.
It's really nice.
It's an Irving.
Live Nation money.
You know, Live Nation's coming for all of us.
Yes, they are.
They're coming quick.
They, uh, I don't know if you guys know about this.
But like I was doing House of Blues last year.
Live Nation gave every performer, uh, uh, $750 in cash.
And then $750 worth of gas cards to show them.
Thank you because of COVID.
And when you couldn't tour blah, blah, blah.
And that basically just bought everybody's every comics loyalty to Live Nation.
And bought mine.
Okay.
So, yeah, 750 and 750.
Yeah.
$1500 worth of stuff.
Yeah.
Pretty cheap.
Pretty cheap.
So sign up for that.
Yeah.
And then they gave me another one because I was in Houston.
So, you know, they didn't, you know, Houston and Dallas don't talk.
But, but yeah, Live Nation's taken over.
So I have sold my soul.
Yeah.
So you got $1,500 worth of gift cards now.
All the shell gift cards.
Yeah.
Yeah.
All the gas gift cards.
All the gas gift cards.
So anybody need gas.
Yeah.
Like all the gas has been like everywhere 319 a gallon the last couple days.
Okay.
Feels a little weird.
I mean, my dad could tell you how much it cost in the 70s when he went to the Ranger's
team.
Oh, yeah.
It's probably like a nickel sense.
Yeah.
Everything was a nickel.
Everything was a nickel.
He would always tell me I came here with 77 cents in my pocket.
That's always a story.
I'm like, you should have saved up a little more.
I don't know.
You can't go to Dollar General with 77 cents in your pocket.
My dad packed up the family and moved to Beverly, dude, with 77 cents in his pocket.
Back then, he could eat for three days on that.
He used to tell me that about gum.
He would always buy the gum, the, the nickel gum, the one that's on the bottom shelf,
the old people candy that, you know, like that's why it's worthers.
Yeah.
Taterals.
Taterals are awesome.
Yeah.
All the stuff on the bottom shelf is always in the old person's candy dish because they're already
hunched over any ranting.
That's all they can see.
That's my theory.
That's my.
Well, you know, I don't have a candy dish here.
That's true.
You have a nut dish.
Yeah.
You need to take that back.
You have one on the table right now.
I do.
Candy dish.
Candy?
Yes.
Really.
You just lived here.
You've got nerds in it.
It was in the kitchen too.
Oh, that's great.
Like three candy dishes.
Okay.
Okay.
I guess he does.
Yeah.
Watch yourself, boys.
Yeah.
Nerds are great.
It's a great choice.
Yeah.
Nerds are great.
They've come back.
Yes.
Did you all see the report that came out that said, like, nerds have arsenic in it.
And if you eat a whole thing of them, you're getting enough arsenic for like 10 years.
Oh, that's not okay.
There you go.
Yeah.
I've got a century.
I've got a centuries worth of arsenic in there.
Yeah.
It's delicious.
Right.
You know, it's a poison.
Come on.
That's delicious.
It's like, yeah, whatever.
Easy to overrate that stuff.
I think, I think, I'm at the, I'm trying, I just want to get to the age where it's not tragic
when I pass.
That's my thing.
Because if I died now, somebody be like, yeah, I knew it's because he drinks the egg
or that's why.
But if I'm like, if I'm like, what age were they like, yeah, he just, he died.
Yeah.
They don't have to sit there and blame it on what I drink or how I lived, you know.
When it becomes natural causes.
Yeah.
What age is that though now?
I think it's, because people still say tragic is like 80, you know, I mean, my, my
parents, my dad is 88 years old.
My mom is 80.
And anybody who dies that's around my, that's older than my mom's age is always tragic.
So she can feel young.
You think they'd like to hang out with me?
I think they'd look.
But I want to see that.
I, I think my dad would love to ask about baseball stuff.
I think he would.
But his references are only from the 70s.
He doesn't care about the 80s, 90s.
I can hang.
2000s.
He's the opposite of Mix 102.9.
He doesn't care about the 80s, 90s, and today, he just cares about this.
He is classic rock.
He is K love.
He's all about 70s on Saturday.
K love baseball.
That's what he is.
Fergie Jenkins.
He always did this.
Him and his best friend.
They would always do this thing.
Because during Thanksgiving, me and my, his best friend's son is my best friend.
We all grew up together.
Always watching the Cowboys, you know, lose on Thanksgiving.
They would both, they would do both do the same thing every single time.
They act like they're pulling out some ridiculous name from the 70s that nobody's heard of.
They're always like, hey, my dad's nickname is, it's an Indian nickname.
But it's Kunya moan.
And so like his friend will go like, hey, Kunya moan, do you remember this guy?
Roger Stolbach.
You remember that guy?
And he's like, yeah, I think I heard it.
And they do every year.
And they're not pranking me.
There was that guy.
What is that guy?
The manster?
Randy White.
Yeah, we did it.
Everything is in.
Like me and my friend have to sit there and go, yeah, Tony, they had a guy that they're named Tony Dorset.
You ever heard a Tony Dorset?
I'm like, yes, we've heard of Tony Dorset.
We're wearing the jersey.
We get it.
And before the internet, it made sense.
Because they're holding on to this knowledge.
Yeah.
My dad loves saying Fergie Jenkins.
He always says Fergie Jenkins.
There's a guy named, because my dad can't pronounce it.
My dad pronounces Ferguson.
Ferguson Jenkins.
So he just says, and I laughed at him one time.
So he just calls it Fergie Jenkins.
It might as well be the black eyed piece.
Fergie Jenkins.
And then some hitter.
Is it Toby here?
Might have been Toby here.
Yeah, Toby here.
That's his favorite.
That's his favorite.
Favorite position player?
Yeah.
Probably that.
Because nothing from the 90s.
I remember calling him when the Rangers won two years ago.
I thought I was going to have this big, you know, like Boston Red Sox moment.
And he goes, yeah, they're dead.
Just totally nonplussed, huh?
Because nobody in my family calls unless it's an emergency.
Like that's, it's kind of understood.
You text.
If you're on, at least text me a fire emoji.
If you're on fire, at least text me a fire emoji before you call.
If you call somebody's dying or you are dying.
So getting a call at what?
That was at 10 o'clock at night, 10, 10, 30.
Yeah.
He probably was like bracing for the worst.
Mm-hmm.
And then it was just like, can you believe they won the World Series?
Yeah.
And he's like, there it is.
All right, see you later.
That was our, that was our beautiful moment.
We've been waiting, you know, how 50, 55 years.
Oh, 54 years.
Space ball.
Yeah.
Wow.
54 years was all about.
You'll have a catch after.
Exactly.
So my sister, my sister taught me how to throw a football.
My sister taught me how to tie a tie.
My sister taught me how to scratch a record.
Like DJ scratch a record.
My dad, my dad wanted me to have a clip on tie.
That was his thing.
Because he had clip on ties.
He never learned how to tie a tie.
And then he taught me how to dry shave.
Mm.
I don't know.
I don't know if he was that good a father.
Now that I think a guy, my sister was an amazing father.
He was amazing.
She was great.
Even with her foot.
Yeah.
Even with her.
Even with her little goose step.
I don't know, the clip on tie.
There's still a place for that.
I'm not sure that there's not a place in this world for the clip on tie.
Yeah.
I'm just saying.
Do you guys know how to tie a tie?
You'd be surprised many people don't know how to tie a tie.
Honestly, I've even though I went to private school through high school.
Yeah.
I only really learned how to tie a tie about a year ago.
Okay.
Because my now stepson goes to a private school.
Yeah.
And he needed to wear a tie for school the next day for like going to church.
Yeah.
And I had to watch a YouTube tutorial on how to do it.
Because back in the day, my dad would just get defeated trying to teach me how.
Because I didn't think of that.
So he would just tie it on his cell.
Yeah.
Then I would always just, you know, I wouldn't fully untie it.
I would just loosen it.
Throw him back in my car, put it on the next day.
That's wild.
Are you a half-winzer guy then?
Half-winzer.
I don't know.
I just do the thing where the trick is like you wrap the tie like three times around your forearm.
Yeah.
That's how you do heroin.
That's not how you.
Yeah.
That's a different tie.
Okay.
That has the element of danger to it.
Yeah.
But then, like, you pull it through and all of a sudden you got a tie.
Okay.
Yeah.
I can't remember who taught me how to tie a tie.
It wasn't your dad?
No.
No, I wasn't him.
Kevin and Pood.
No one.
Kevin and Pood.
I can't remember who it was.
You'd be surprised how many grown men don't know how to do it.
No, one girl.
Okay.
The clip on tie is still available, right?
It's still out there.
I feel like it's not as prominent.
I remember it seemed like clip on ties were a big thing, like, in the 90s.
Or at least up through the 90s.
And then they just kind of went.
The problem with clip on ties is they have a very, the pattern on there is like not of a normal
tie you would tie.
So you can kind of tell the clip on just how cheesy it is.
Sure.
You know, that was so.
Yeah.
I can't forget.
Yeah.
I feel like you need to call them.
All right.
I'm going to give a clip on tie.
Yeah.
It's time I have to wear one.
I'm going to put it on and see if anybody says anything about it.
Okay.
Yeah.
I think.
Yeah.
He also, you know, he did teach me how to fix a flat tire.
So I'll give that credit.
Oh, wow.
That was before.
Before.
All right.
So here's a little fun story that never told anybody.
When I was 16, I, at church, me and my friend who, you know, watched the Cowboys Games
with.
I had a learners permit.
He's a year younger than me.
During church, we went out to just go listen to whatever on the radio.
Because we didn't want to sit in church.
And he was like, let's go get some cheetos.
You have your permit.
And then we took it and we got in a wreck.
Hmm.
And so I couldn't drive the car to 18.
My dad was, it's the only time my dad's every yelled at me.
He was so mad at me.
And it was kind of funny.
It happened off of, uh, there was a church off of 635 in centerville road.
I don't know if it's still there.
We, so we, we got in the wreck and then we pulled over into this apartment.
And people started running out of the apartment because they saw the wreck.
Like screaming and all this stuff.
I'm 16.
I don't know what to do.
My friend runs and takes off towards the church.
Was this pretty bad?
It was, nobody got hurt in it.
It was just in the, in the hindsight.
I got, I think I clipped the car, but nobody got hurt.
Nobody was injured.
Everybody was fine.
But my friend ran off to the church.
He was two blocks away from the church to get his dad and everybody.
And so there's all these people on center.
If you know the demographic of centerville road in 635, I don't have to explain it.
But they were always yelling at me and like, and the cop comes in.
And they're like, he did it.
This little boy, he, he hit these guys.
And the other drivers didn't speak English.
And I'm sitting there.
I don't know with my little clip on tie and not doing anything.
All of a sudden, here comes eight Toyota Camrys.
We're all around the corner.
Here we go.
And here come all the Indian, all the members of our church.
It's just like like 30 Indian dudes coming out in the suits.
Old Indian dudes coming out in the suits.
And our priest with the big white shirt and their black rope belt.
You know, it's got like the, you know, Jesus vape.
Whatever that thing.
You walk, they all walk in.
One of my, one of the people at our church.
He had like the first cell phone, like the big brick.
They all walked in.
And he was like, I don't know what the people in that apartment complex
that was about to go down.
But 30 Indian men in suits walking up.
It's like, this is, it felt so mafia like.
And my dad was like, so my dad pulled me aside.
He's like, try to whisper.
He's like, what are you doing?
He's like whispering, mumbling, yelling, mumbling.
And he's like, listen, when the cop, when the cop asks,
I'll tell him, I'm with you and the God.
I'm like, okay, sure.
And then so the cop comes.
Like, who was in the car?
I was in the car because that apartment.
So you know, you know, I was in the car with my son, you know,
he like put his hand on my shoulder.
And one of the ladies in like her shower cap curler,
she comes up, nah, it was that boy.
And that other boy right there.
And then like, they're like Mr. Vargas, were you lying?
You know, then it was just nothing.
Nobody served any time.
I do the court one time and the judge,
the judge probably saw the fear in my face.
And you just say, hey, you can't drive to the 18.
And me, my parent, me and my dad never talk about that day.
My mom brings it up every now and again.
Remember that time you lick the car and after that?
Oh my god.
You remember the time when 30 Indian men showed up in suits?
That was cool as hell.
I know, I think so.
All the exact same Honda cords coming.
Like, it was like a funeral procession.
Just walking out the guy with the first ever cell phone.
Just holding it in there.
I'm like, this is.
But yeah, it was, it was a very traumatic moment.
But it looks like it would have been maybe the centerville road church of Christ.
Probably.
That's not right.
Maybe?
Yeah, we shared it with a, we shared it with a Baptist church.
It was an Indian church and we shared it with a Baptist church.
So it had to be centerville, 635 in centerville.
So it had to be on the, the be on the east side.
Maybe.
Yeah.
South side to my thing.
So that's it.
It has to be right right off the, like right off it.
Yeah, whatever church is right there.
Yeah, that little 711 or whatever that conico is right there.
That's where I got the Doritos and ended up clipping a car trying to cross traffic.
But I'm sure one day me and my dad will get over that.
It's been, it's been for us.
What's it been now?
33 years.
Still haven't talked about it.
The day will come.
Yeah.
You'll come.
So you know, it's weird.
So we went to, we went to New York in September of my sister.
Like I said, my sister is a really high end in the physical church in New York.
She's really, really like a celebrity over there.
And we're sitting there during the service.
And he's sitting next to me and his, his head dropped on my shoulder.
My dad just turned 87.
80s.
She's born in 38.
So 87.
His head dropped on my shoulder.
And that's, that's when I knew something was wrong because he's never shown me that much affection.
Ever, right?
So they pulled him out and he passed out and all this stuff.
End of just being dehydrated.
That's all it was.
He just, but just at that age, you know, it's, it's wild, right?
So they start singing like amazing grace, okay?
The church service stops.
And he wakes up.
Also, now my mom is really in tears, you know?
And we're in the ER.
He's getting checked for his blood pressure, all stuff.
And she's telling everybody in the winter.
Amazing grace.
It's his favorite song.
And, and the guard woke him up.
And I was like, well, just so you guys know, mine is sweet child of mine by guns.
If anybody, if anybody wants to bust out some acoustic guns and roses,
when I pass out, mine is a little, which is going to happen.
But he's good now.
He's great.
He's super healthy.
He's a real healthy person.
But yeah, we don't, we very have, we have very few heart to hearts.
I don't think we actually do have heart to ours.
There we go.
Oh, that is, actually, I thought that was like the Indian version.
It sounded like somebody playing on it.
I was like, I'm gonna, I'm gonna leave it to shoot you to find the racist version of sweet child of mine.
That's all you can.
That's all you can.
Let me ask you something.
Yeah.
All right, you're about to go on a gig.
Okay.
How much stuff do you had?
I mean, do you know what you're gonna get up there and do or do you just wing it or?
I know that happens.
I know the three new jokes that I'm gonna do for sure.
I know those for sure.
And I know what I'm gonna start with.
But then the rest of it is just kind of whatever I've done in the past.
You know, I'm not good enough to just completely make stuff up on the spot
because it'll just be awkward silence for minutes.
I mean, I don't like going more than 30 seconds without a laugh.
I'm very, very needy like that.
But I'm always prepared.
Like when we were talking about how I was in Atlanta,
like I didn't have time to even check into the hotel when I got there.
I had to go straight to the show.
But I already in my head in that morning.
I'm already prepped in my head.
I mean, my routine in the morning is wake up.
Look at the three new ideas that I'm thinking of and just kind of sit and let us sit in my head all day.
But if I had to go do a show at stands right now,
we could I could easily go do an hour.
It's muscle memory at that point, you know?
Yeah.
So it's a cool skill.
It's a cool skill, but I don't know if it's really, you know,
I don't know how much it would help my future kids, you know?
So I've lost a lot of internet passwords up here,
but I can do 90 minutes on deodorant if you need it to.
So.
91 minutes.
91 minutes.
Yes, exactly.
Exactly.
I was trying to be serious.
That's why I said 90.
Okay.
Remember 91 is the comical one.
Hey, I found a potential Indian version of sweet childhood.
Oh, no.
Is it me singing in the shower?
Okay.
Yeah.
It was done in the 80s.
Right?
Still writing?
Oh, no.
Yeah, I don't, I don't.
Her hair reminds me of a warm blue place.
Yeah, yeah, there we go.
Yeah, that's it.
That's it.
I don't approve of it.
There we go.
Yeah.
I don't approve of this.
That sounds like me karaoke after like too much the egg.
I'm producing this, I think.
I would, I would wake up just to turn that song off.
If that's, I think that's how I would come back to life.
I don't approve of this joke.
But someone did call it Gandhi and roses.
That's kind of funny.
It's not bad.
Yeah, yeah.
Okay.
Yeah.
Yeah, that's enough.
Yeah, I don't.
I really want to like my people's music, but it is such a hard sell.
And it's not like I'm not against my culture.
I just can't.
And I listen to everything.
You do.
I'm all over the place.
My Spotify rap is very, it looks hacked.
But I can't get into my people's music.
It's just, it all kind of sounds the same.
Are you into their movies?
No.
It all kind of looks, it all kind of looks the same.
Like we're not really, this might get me canceled.
We're not really a creative race.
We're not, we're not.
Like we're all doctors, lawyers, engineers, you know,
like even the movies are all kind of generically the same thing.
They're all three hours long.
The music is like that.
It's the same.
So me, even doing this is wild to people that I can like be creative and do.
Because even like all the movies we watch were bootlegged, you know?
Like we're just not, we're not a creative culture, you know?
So I'm sure somebody will get mad about me for that.
But like all the ball, most of the ball with movies are exactly the same thing.
It's that, those stereotypes exist for a reason, you know?
So the music is, I really want to like it.
I like the drum part.
Like that drum sound is beautiful.
But the, the whining.
I mean, yeah, it's just.
Yeah.
Well, it's, I mean, maybe not a creative culture, but certainly a highly academic one.
Yeah, which is great.
They win those.
Sure, they're, you know, the thing about my family is like they're not real.
Well, my mom would always say is like when people would ask, like, where does Paul get his talent from?
And she goes, should I always say in India, they don't check for talent.
And what she means is they don't have time to think about being movie stars or musicians.
Yeah.
Like work.
Right.
My parents are in the country.
I mean, there's like a well, they wash their clothes in the creek, like that kind of stuff.
So my mom was a nurse because you had to get it.
That's always in demand, right?
So they don't have time to sit there and think about, I'm going to go to hit the open mic.
Like they won't think about that.
You know, I'm going to play the guitar.
They don't know what that stuff is.
So like me, me doing what I do, I don't know how I, where I, obviously somebody in my family is creative,
because it came out as something, but my sister's not creative.
She's very academic.
My cousins are super academic, you know.
What do they think when you first started going down this road?
They didn't understand it.
Well, they, so when I started in June of01, so that was, there were no Indian comedians doing anything at all.
At least I couldn't find any at that time.
And that looked on Yahoo.
I was like, I couldn't find anybody doing anything.
So I think they didn't have a template.
It's like, oh, you can be like Eddie Murphy or anything.
There's no, there's no Indian guy doing it.
So why would they look going back to the Rangers?
Like Kumar Rocker, right?
Yeah.
You know, Kumar Rocker, he has no Indian players he can look up to in baseball.
You know, he's, he's the one, you know, which is wild thinking in baseball terms.
It's been around for so long and he's the one guy.
It took him till 2025 to get in.
Oh, yeah.
2024.
Yeah, he's the only one.
Not really a whole lot of.
There's none.
No, there's not.
And he's half, he's half black.
Half black half Indian.
There's one, there's one guy in Toronto, one kid in Toronto, but he's in single A right now.
He's still in single A or double A, but that's it.
Like they're, they always caught about a million dollar arm that thing, but those guys were
and made it to double A and then they got cut.
But Kumar Rocker is like, I mean, I was, I tiered up watching him when he, when he started
because I'm like, I can't imagine, I mean, imagine being a kid not seeing anything that looks
like you on TV, you know, like it just, we take it for granted now, you know.
Yeah.
You know, my cousin has a little girl and she, she cried when her little girl picked up
an Indian bar, that she had access to an Indian Barbie.
You know what I mean?
Like that's just not a real thing, you know.
So stand up wise, I didn't realize I was the only one doing it at the time.
I just, I was doing it.
But I didn't realize I was the only guy doing it in 2001 in the, in the US at least, you know.
But it's taken over.
Now there's so many, you know, Indian comics and brown comics all over the place now,
because once you see one person doing it, it kind of inspires everybody else.
But I don't know.
But you blow away, don't you?
I'm pretty good at what I do.
I have a pretty good rep with those guys.
I mean, they all have to make a lot more money than I do, but before going by laughs per minute,
I could, I'm dunking on these dudes.
I'm dunking on these dudes.
They know it.
I know it.
I make reverse, but like two, like one balls in the sand, another balls in this one,
I'm up in the air so long, you know, spinning like this.
Yeah.
I mean, I take a lot of pride in what I do, you know.
I mean, you, you know, you see me have rough shows, you see me have good shows.
But like when I'm, when I'm on, it's, it's fun.
I've never seen you have a rough show.
I, I, I felt like I've had rough shows.
When, when you guys saw me in Plano and that crowd was small, you know, up at the,
the Plano House, I think it's Mike Drop now.
I thought the show wasn't like, my timing wasn't where I wanted it, you know.
I always, I always know what's where I'm messing up while I'm doing it, which, which, you know,
kind of sucks, but like in Atlanta, when I did the first show in Atlanta, I was honestly
expecting a standing ovation.
I was, I had nailed that thing.
I was like, I did an hour straight.
I was like, okay, this is, this is where it's going to happen.
And it didn't, which is fine.
But I like to hold myself to that, that standard.
Was that a big lead down when it didn't happen for you?
I mean, to me, I was like, that's as good as I can do, you know.
And also, they're not going to give you a standing ovation if they don't know who you are.
You have to have a little bit of celebrity swag for them to want to do that.
But I take pride in the fact that I get like five, six laughs a minute.
I personally, I purposely edit my stuff down to be as efficient as possible,
which is why I'm such a big chili pepper fan, because the guitarist is like that, you know.
He doesn't waste time with what he's playing.
He either doesn't play a note or he means a note.
That's what he's, so I'm the same way with that.
If I, every word that I say, I've made a point to like, it's, it's there on purpose.
You make a count, yeah.
Yeah.
So, to me, the best way to get the crowd rolling over is five, seven laughs a minute.
That's what I was taught early on.
And now, a lot of comics are just like, they're fun with one laugh a minute,
or a laugh every two minutes.
I'm like, but then you're not doing the work.
Like you're not editing and grinding.
You're just like, how did you go?
Yeah, I pretty much know.
I can kind of tell.
I can kind of tell like, well, I know the chunks of materials I'm doing
and I've already figured out the laughs.
I know that if it hits right, it's going to get, this is going to get seven laughs.
Yeah.
And so a good, a good, like when I taped my album along that time ago,
I made a point to actually go down and listen to and make sure that every,
that at the end of, at the end of 45 minutes I had, wherever that map is,
uh, 315 laughs in that 45 minutes.
Like that's my standard that I hold.
So, do you often come off stage going, man, I just fucking killed tonight.
Yeah, Atlanta.
Atlanta was awesome.
It was great.
Um, it feels, I always know where the flow is.
I always know where I mess up in the back.
I'm always like, okay, I'm speaking too fast.
I'm doing this, but the moments where I feel like, you know, how does you go?
Yeah, because the problem with me, especially doing an hour,
like after about the 45 minute mark, I just get sick of my voice.
And sometimes I'll kind of sabotage the set myself.
I'll say stuff like, yeah, okay, I'm almost done.
I don't need to say that.
I should just, I should, I shouldn't externalize those thoughts.
I should just be like a focus.
It's hard about, it's hard to be in the moment, you know,
with all of it for an hour, like, because it is very weird.
Sometimes when they're laughing so hard, I feel like there might be something.
I might have like my zippers down.
It's like, this is not, this can't be real, you know, kind of stuff.
But, um, every now and again, again, I don't have flow that shows all the time.
I know what, I know what, uh, where I messed up.
So, you ever pull your zipper down just to see?
I should.
I might do that.
Next time you come see me, I might do that.
See what happens.
I'm dedicated to Shubi.
Yeah.
This for you, Mike.
I.
Oh, that's okay.
Yeah.
Okay.
I'm trying to.
I'm trying to keep these fresh.
You know, it's better than doing, like, crowd work and stuff.
Yeah.
Do you do that at all?
I don't feel like that.
I try not to.
I try not to.
I feel like that's been the latest trend mostly, I guess, for social media and stuff.
It's also like, you know, the comics will, will lie to you and tell you that they do that
because they don't want to put their real jokes out there.
But, uh, curtain pulled back, they're a real joke suck.
So, they're doing it because it's lazy and easy.
Like, that's what most people go through life.
What's the minimum I can do?
You can just talk to the crowd for an hour.
Because I've worked with some of these guys and they literally will just talk to the crowd
for 40 minutes.
And, and they're doing it just because if they, if they get, let's say they get five laps and,
maybe like, 10 laps and 40 minutes, which is terrible, they'll still put those 10 laps online
and it makes it look like they were killing.
Although the live show was completely, completely dog shit, you know?
Yeah, for the, how many hundred people.
And for them, they look as like, I'm getting paid off of reels.
And when people do come up, it's like, they're, they're not taking into account the audience,
which we, we're talking about the, how I always worry about how I do it in front of every audience.
And a lot of these guys don't care about that anymore.
It's just about what they're putting online, which I, I can't separate that.
And that, it's probably because I started to know one when you had to like really earn it.
Yeah.
Like, you, you got to rep because you were killing.
I mean, the only reason I have any status in the city is because I'm good.
It's not because I popped on TV or went viral.
It's because people eventually saw me at some point, you know?
I mean, you saw me back at Barley House, right?
Did you ever stumble in when we did open mics on Sunday nights?
Was it terrible?
It was awful.
I mean, for whatever remember.
Yeah.
So we only said fun after you got done.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Of course.
But like, that was always the thing is like I like that I carved out a little niche by my rep.
And not because something got a million views on TikTok or something, you know?
So I'm still kind of old school.
I'm like still holding on to like that.
But I know it's not really a stable way to look at it, but it's worked for 25 years or whatever it is.
24 something like that.
Jesus, that's a long ask.
You do what you're doing, playboy.
You got a lot to go.
That thinks so.
I think so.
Hope so.
Hope so.
If doing this doesn't kill it first.
I still have to do at least one more show where I whip my slum dog out.
Yeah.
We'll make sure you know that Mike is in the audience.
Okay, first.
Okay.
I'm going to make sure that first.
Yeah.
Yeah.
When we were at stands, you were in the front row.
That would have been the best time.
It would have been the best time.
It would have been like Gallagher.
Yeah.
Just just slap open a watermelon with my with my hog.
Well, that would be impressive.
That would go viral.
Yes, that would definitely go.
Yes, that would.
Yeah, put you right where you want to be.
Well, man, thanks for doing this.
Of course.
Thanks for having me.
Thanks for having me.
Big fun having you on and.
I'm glad I got to tell stories.
I never tell anybody.
I never said those stories out loud.
Why do you see exclusives?
Yes.
I just enjoy the hell out of you.
Enjoy seeing you with gigs and.
And you're great, man.
Thank you so much.
Thank you.
You're really great.
It means a lot, man.
Thank you.
Great Paul Varghese.
Yes.
Our pal.
If you can't get stand-up standing applause at Atlanta,
you get two.
Candid applause.
I'll take that.
I'll take that.
I'll take Candid applause.
Yeah.
All right.
That'll do it for YDC today.
Thank you very much for being by the channel whenever you may be.
And I mean, we're live right now.
But who knows?
You may be watching this tomorrow.
The next day.
A year from now.
Two years from now.
Who knows?
But thank you for seeing it.
Whenever you do.
Thanks to Shubi.
Thanks to Ashley.
Thanks to the great Paul Varghese.
This has been your dark companion.
Until next time.
Bye.
All right.
I like those pants.
All right.
I like those pants.
He's so off.
Your dark companion is a stolen water media presentation.
Send home.
Send back spring.
Yeah.
YDC.
The thing just because he...
just because he only promised that he was going to be,
that he was going to pitch in one game.
He already did that.
But he wanted to stick with the team as long as possible
and I think it's just kind of like,
look, I've got to get ready for the regular season,
about to be free agent.
Oh yeah, this way they didn't recite him.
Yeah.
That's wild.
Or they haven't yet any at all.
Yeah, and apparently they haven't made any sort of
long-term offer or anything like that, so.
One of my friends is an MLP agent and he's got
a couple of kids on the Italian team.
And they're having up the last.
Like, those kids are just having so much fun.
And half of them are never going to make it to the MLB,
so this is like the biggest thing they'll ever do.
It's really cool.
It's, um, yeah, the Dominican team just
got a little wild.
I watched their movie and, yeah, that live is ridiculous, dude.
Did the Puerto Rican team actually end up getting to...